Tuesday 29 September 2009

Holloway Babbles Nonsense In Attempt To Look Amusing Following Defeat

In his latest attempt to secure a spot on the after-dinner circuit, once he's managed every under-performing club in the Football League, Ian Holloway once again prattled on relentlessly with some tortured analogy in an effort to cover up his own managerial shortcomings, following Blackpool's 2-0 defeat at the hands of Bristol City.

Speaking in the Ashton Gate press room, weasel-faced tedious yokel, Holloway, 46 said, "Conceding two goals to Bristol City is a bit like being a pig farmer yanking off one of his stock. You know it's coming, but you're dreading it really."

Holloway, who sounds a bit like a dim-witted bumpkin trying to do some sort of awful half-arsed Eric Cantona impersonation, laboured on, "We came here thinking we could pull it off successfully, but we lost our grip on a powerful beast and it ended up slipping through our fingers."

Asked if he felt that his players had under-performed on the night, Holloway responded, "Hang on... Trying to think of something to do with swine flu to tie in with the pig thing...

Got it... It's a bit like when your pigs get swine flu. You know they're going to be ill but you still know the bacon will be nice at the end of it.. No, that doesn't really work... It's a bit like when a... Hello? Where's everyone gone? Come back. I am funny. I am funny, aren't I, Karl? Karl?"


Look out for more from Ian Holloway later this week, when he's expected to compare his club's home game against Plymouth on Saturday with sitting on a small horse. Or something.

Monday 28 September 2009

McCombe 'Stable' Say Medics

Surgeons last night described Bristol City centre half, Jamie Mccombe's condition as 'stable' after the giant defender had spent the weekend under observation in the Royal Derby Hospital, following a clash with Derby County's Rob Hulse.

The incident, which saw McCombe sent crashing to the ground after a face to face confrontation with the Derby striker, took place just a few minutes into the second half of Bristol City's Championship game at Pride Park on Saturday. Despite sustaining what looked like quite nasty wind burn as he fell to the floor, McCombe bravely battled on for the visitors. But the defender was soon sent off as delayed embarrassment got the better of him and he mistimed a tackle on Hulse just minutes later, and was given his marching orders.

Speaking at the Royal Derby Hospital this morning, medics said, "Jamie Mccombe has spent a comfortable couple of nights in hospital under observation and his condition has stabilised. We expect him to be able to go home tomorrow, providing he doesn't suffer any complications, like a paper cut on a magazine or something like that."

The doctor went on, "You have to remember, Jamie is 6'7" tall and if you dropped a melon from that height onto concrete it would probably smash or at least get a big dent in it, I expect. Add that to the sudden surge of blood to his facial capillaries, which often follows an embarrassing bit of play-acting, and you can soon be looking at a serious incident."

Mccombe, who will miss Tuesday's match at Ashton Gate against Blackpool through suspension, should be available for the weekend game against Newcastle, and is also thought to be considering a role in panto this Christmas at the Bristol Hippodrome, playing a beanstalk that falls down after someone barely touches it.

Wednesday 23 September 2009

Robbie Savage Likely To Act "Like A Bit Of A Beller" Source Reveals

Just days before Bristol City's trip to Derby County, a source close to the Pride Park club has revealed that tedious midfield fanny, Robbie Savage, is likely to act like "a bit of a beller" in the Championship clash this weekend.

If the rumour proves to be true, it won't be the first time that the horse-faced idiot, who lives under the misapprehension that he's handsome, has courted controversy. So This Be Brizzle has taken the opportunity to look back at the career of the poor man's Roy Keane...

Savage is an aggravating little tit who wrongly tipped himself for great things whilst playing alongside such players as Paul Scholes, David Beckham, Ryan Giggs and Gary Neville in Man United's youth side. However, Sir Alex Ferguson soon recognised that the Welshman had all the guile and talent of a shoe, so sent him to Crewe Alexandra on a free transfer.

The setback knocked Savage's confidence, and it was three years before his ego fully recovered to the stage where he once again thought he was better than he actually was and moved to Leicester City.

It was at the midlands club that Savage came to wider public attention as a limited player with stupid hair who liked giving it out but who fell to the ground like he'd been shot in the face whenever anyone stood within six feet of him.

Despite his best efforts to get six opposition players sent off every week by diving around and clutching his face, Savage couldn't save Leicester from relegation in 2002, so moved to Birmingham City in order to continue getting paid Premier League wages whilst not really being expected to do much other than act like a twat and annoy people.

However, it soon became apparent to Savage that Birmingham were sliding down the table, so he put in a written transfer request and moved to Blackburn Rovers, claiming that he wanted to be nearer to his parents in Wrexham and that it definitely wasn't because he fancied another big signing-on fee. It was six months before anyone bothered to check and realised that Birmingham is closer to Wrexham than Blackburn is.

After several seasons at Ewood Park, Savage moved on again, this time selecting Derby County from his list of bottom-feeding Premier League clubs who were only likely to last a season or two in the top flight before moving him on again for another signing-on fee. However, despite Savage's best efforts to manufacture a move to somewhere like Hull or Burnley, nobody showed much interest, so he's been forced to pretend he's happy to stay at Pride Park in the meantime and recently signed a new contract.

For reasons that nobody has ever quite worked out, Savage somehow racked up 39 caps for Wales, where he was employed as the side's irritating little ballbag who spent the entire 90 minutes whinging, winding people up and feigning injury, rather than playing football. However, Welsh manager John Toshack later handed this role to Craig Bellamy and Savage retired from international football in a huff.

Unbelievably, Savage has only been sent off once at club level, with referees citing the reason as being "because we don't trust the little ponce in the dressing room on his own".

Monday 21 September 2009

Bristol City Won't Comment On Player Arrest Says Local Rag

Bristol City were last night unavailable for comment following the arrest of a local footballer on suspicion of bottling a man and fracturing his skull, the Bristol Evening Post has reported.

Midfielder David Pipe, who plays his football in the city of Bristol, has been questioned following the incident on Park Street, which bore a striking resemblance to the fracas outside Romeo Brown's nightclub three years ago, which saw three Bristol City players imprisoned, the paper goes on.

The tired rag claims that Pipe, formerly of Notts County, has never played alongside Bradley Orr, Steve Brooker or David Partridge - the three players who were jailed after being found guilty of affray and bodily harm, following a fight with a group of nightclub bouncers. And Bristol City were not prepared to comment on the incident last night, claiming, "Pipe doesn't play for us."

Pipe, who has a shaved head just like Steve Brooker, is accused of using a bottle to injure a man outside a bar, and the bottle is thought to be a bit like the one Steve Brooker threw down Baldwin Street whilst playing for Bristol City in 2005.

The Welshman previously played for Coventry City, who Bristol City played just a week ago, and has captained the Wales under 21 team at international level, much like Bristol City players Christian Ribeiro, Lewin Nyatanga and James Wilson. However, it is not known at this stage if they put Pipe up to it.

Thursday 17 September 2009

Carle Looks To Enhance His International Chances With Australia. Again.

Former Bristol City chubster, Nick Carle, has surprised absolutely nobody by declaring his desire to leave Crystal Palace and join former club Newcastle Jets "to enhance his international chances with Australia".

Carle, who left Sydney Olympic to join French club, Troyes, in 2002 to enhance his international chances with Australia, has had a chequered career at several clubs.

After playing just five games for Troyes, Carle requested a move back to Australia to enhance his international chances with Australia, and joined Marconi Stallions, where he stayed for two seasons, before deciding their name was a bit odd if he was to be taken seriously. Carle then joined Newcastle Jets, stating his reason for the move as being "to enhance my international chances with Australia."

At this point, Carle's plan appeared to be working, as he made 11 appearances for the Socceroos. But, dissatisfied that he wasn't made captain or given the best parking space at training, Carle requested a move away from Australia, and ended up joining Turkish side, Gençlerbirliği. A move which Carle felt would enhance his international chances with Australia.

However, Carle soon found that nobody had heard of Gençlerbirliği, much less could pronounce their name. So, after just 14 games for the Turkish outfit, Carle requested a move to England, to enhance his international chances with Australia.

Carle had some success at Ashton Gate and was involved in the Play Off Final against Hull City, but when an unbelieveably stupid offer of £1.2m came in from orange weirdo, Simon Jordan, at Crystal Palace, Carle was quick to jump at the chance to move on again. Speaking at the time, the goofy midfielder said, "London is much closer to London than Bristol, so I really feel this will enhance my international chances with Australia.

Carle's move from Crystal Palace back to Newcastle Jets looks set to go through this week, with Palace unable to spend any fee they get for him due to a transfer embargo placed on the South London club, because their chairman is a tit and doesn't pay his bills.

BERATE Sets Out Grim Vision Of The Future

Anti-Tesco campaign group and general tedious naysaying bores, BERATE, has today mapped out its grim vision of how North Street may look in the future, should Bristol City Council allow a Tesco superstore to be built on the current Ashton Gate stadium site. With the group stating, "All this could soon be desert scrubland."

Speaking on behalf of the poorly-acronymed moaners, a spokesman said, "At the moment there are loads of shops on North Street offering fantastic, personal service, a wide range of products not offered by Tesco and all at competitive prices. But, obviously, if Tesco builds a store round the corner, people will forget all that and just go there instead, because they prefer pushing a trolley round well-lit aisles and collecting Clubcard points. Everyone knows that."

Speaking in support of the feebly-backed campaign, one local shopkeeper said, "I sell lawnmowers, nails and that. If Tesco is allowed to open round the corner, it stands to reason that people will stop mowing their lawns or doing little DIY jobs round the house. It has to be stopped."

Another said, "I own a local coffee shop offering freshly-made cakes and a range of teas and coffees from around the world, where people like to come and meet their friends in a relaxed and pleasant atmosphere. But if Tesco is allowed to open, my customers will lose contact with their friends and won't drink coffee anymore. Or eat carrot cake. And the less said about how it will affect muffin sales, the better."

The BERATE spokesman went on, "If Tesco is given planning permission, we envisage this whole area being a desert within ten years. It's a crying shame, because these shops offer so much more than Tesco and a level of service and customer care that the big chains simply can't compete with."

With that in mind, we asked why they were so against the planning proposal, if that was the case, to which BERATE responded, "We just are. OK!?"

Monday 14 September 2009

City Fans 'Comfortable' In Cardiff West Services Say Police

Bristol City fans were reported to be settling down for a "comfortable night" in Cardiff West services tonight aboard a number of Peter Carol coaches, on the way to their team's game at Swansea City tomorrow evening, South Wales Police have said.

The City fans, who have been forced to travel under 'bubble trip' restrictions to the Welsh club's Liberty Stadium, for no apparent reason, set off first thing this morning on the gruelling 80 mile trip, before stopping at Aust Services for four hours to eat their packed lunches.

From there, the supporters crossed the old Severn Bridge before stopping at Stow Hill Services just outside Newport for a further three hours, where they were allowed to look out of the window for a bit and relieve themselves in screw-top bottles, if they'd remembered to bring one. It's understood some of the travelling party had a stab at a jumbo puzzle book one fan had brought along, but police were forced to confiscate it in case it was used as a weapon or caused a paper cut.

The coaches finally arrived at Cardiff West Services at 6pm this evening for an overnight stay in the coach park. A spokesman for Peter Carol coaches said, "The seats recline about five degrees, so everyone should get a good night's sleep before undertaking the second part of the trip at daybreak."

Tomorrow's travel plans are believed to involve a five hour stop at Sarn Park Services, where those who still have any sandwiches left can enjoy a snack, before heading on to Port Talbot Services in the afternoon. From there, the City fans will be held under a police escort for four hours, before being taken to the Liberty Stadium, stopping briefly at Burrows Service Station just outside Swansea so the driver can get some fags.

A South Wales Police spokesman said, "We'll be leaving Burrows Service Station around 7.30pm to get the coaches to the ground at around 7.45pm. It's cutting it a bit fine, and the supporters may miss the first ten minutes of the game, but safety is paramount and we can't take any chances by having them arriving at the same time as anyone Welsh."

After the game, the fans will be held in the ground until everyone in Swansea has gone to bed, before heading back up the M4 to Bristol, where they hope to arrive back at Ashton Gate by 4am.

Sunday 13 September 2009

Coleman Angered By Football's Rules


Coventry City manager, Chris Coleman, was incensed last night, following his side's 1-1 draw with Bristol City at the Ricoh Arena, with the former Welsh international becoming increasingly upset that referees keep applying the laws of the game in his team's matches.

Speaking at the post-match press conference, the Coventry boss said, "We were disappointed to have that second goal ruled out for offside because if we had gone in at half time 2-0 up, we probably would have won. But referees and their assistants seem intent on giving correct decisions and disallowing goals that shouldn't really count, by the letter of the law."

The goal, which was scored by aggravating tit, Clinton Morrison, who was correctly adjudged to have been in an offside position, would have put Coventry 2-0 up in front of a home crowd which was already annoyed at being woken up by a few people cheering Leon Best's opener, in what police described as "a bit of a vociferous manner".

The Sky Blues' manager went on, "We felt the referee should have blown up for handball twice in the build-up to their goal too. I mean, nobody actually touched it with their hand, but we feel it would have been immensely helpful if the referee had given it anyway, just to help us out."

Coleman is no stranger to acting the idiot in games against Bristol City, having been sent to the stands by referee Phil Dowd in the corresponding fixture last season, after his side hadn't been awarded a penalty for no reason, when they clearly required a bit of help to get a goal.

Meanwhile, former Bristol City wingnut, Michael McIndoe, delighted his new manager with his ability to state the bleeding obvious during a post-match interview, stating, "Bristol City will wake up in the morning knowing they have been in a football match."

Brilliant.

Thursday 3 September 2009

Evening Post Reporter Wets Pants At Headline Possibilities

Evening Post sports journalist, Andy Stockhausen, was said to be in the care of his mother last night, after collapsing and wetting his pants, following the arrival of Evander Sno at Ashton Gate.

Tedious journo Stockhausen, 45, who is probably best known for constantly airing Bristol City's dirty laundry in public at every opportunity, whilst conveniently glossing over the fact that he's a convicted drink-driver, was said to be in a dry and comfortable condition this morning, following the incident on transfer deadline day.

A source close to Stockhausen said, "When Bristol City announced the signing of Evander Sno, Andy just went into some sort of fit. He was quite incoherent, but was mumbling things like 'No Business Like Sno Business', 'Sno Falls For Bristol City', 'Sno Drifts In' and so on, before collapsing on the floor and wetting his pants."

The source went on, "To be honest, it's manna from heaven for a tired old hack like Andy, who is always on the look out for a story that doesn't require him to travel or do any work. I think the pun possibilites Sno provides for someone as predictable as him was always likely to tip him over the edge."

Stockhausen is expected back at work next week providing there are no further accidents, but it's believed his mum will be bringing him to work because the schools have gone back, so the bus he normally takes due to his conviction for drink-driving, will be quite busy.

Wednesday 2 September 2009

Johnson Nepotism Sours Deadline Day At City

Bristol City fans were left enraged last night, following the latest display of nepotism from manager Gary Johnson.

Supporters were today absorbing the news that the Bristol City manager has signed midfielder Evander Sno on loan from Ajax for the rest of the season, just before the transfer window slammed shut. This signing, added to the summer capture of Paul Hartley has pushed Gary's son, Lee, further down the pecking order at Ashton Gate, causing outrage on the terraces.

One fan said, "We're all sick of Gary Johnson and his nepotism. As if it wasn't bad enough that he was paying his lad to play for Bristol City, he's now paying him to sit on the bench and do nothing for 90 minutes every Saturday. It's a step too far."

Sno was joined at Ashton Gate by Costa Rican striker, Alvaro Saborio, and another fan commented, "We can all see what Johnson is doing. He's bringing in quality players to try and get Bristol City promoted to the Premier League, just to activate a promotion clause in his son's contract, so Lee gets paid even more money. He must think we're stupid."

The disgruntled fan continued, "It's time Gary Johnson left, to be honest. How an astute businessman like Lansdown can't see what Johnson's up to is beyond me."

Tuesday 1 September 2009

Bristol Rovers Hooliganism Could Lead To Bubble Trips

The actions of Bristol Rovers hooligans could see the club forced to impose 'bubble trip' sanctions on their travelling supporters for future away trips, following the arrest of five Rovers fans in Cardiff last week.

The five fans were arrested for various offences, with charges ranging from public disorder through to the lesser offence of fighting a bit like a girl.

Rovers director and media whore, Geoff Dunford said, "Obviously, the five individuals involved will be banned from attending future away games, but we still have to cater for the other five fans who made the trip."

He continued, "With that in mind, we'll be making future away games 'bubble trips', to ensure no such repeat of the disgraceful scenes in Cardiff. The club will be laying on a taxi to take fans to our next away game against Brentford."

The taxi, an LTI TX4, can accommodate up to five people. However, Dunford went on to explain, "Obviously, the taxi can take as many as five fans to Griffin Park, but even if demand dictates we don't need that size of vehicle, we'll keep the same taxi and the fans who do go will be rewarded with extra legroom. It's the least we can do. Literally."

Asked why no such plans were in place for tonight's Johnstone's Paint Trophy game at Hereford United, Dunford concluded, "Nobody's expected to travel to that."