BERATE Sets Out Grim Vision Of The Future

Anti-Tesco campaign group and general tedious naysaying bores, BERATE, has today mapped out its grim vision of how North Street may look in the future, should Bristol City Council allow a Tesco superstore to be built on the current Ashton Gate stadium site. With the group stating, "All this could soon be desert scrubland."

Speaking on behalf of the poorly-acronymed moaners, a spokesman said, "At the moment there are loads of shops on North Street offering fantastic, personal service, a wide range of products not offered by Tesco and all at competitive prices. But, obviously, if Tesco builds a store round the corner, people will forget all that and just go there instead, because they prefer pushing a trolley round well-lit aisles and collecting Clubcard points. Everyone knows that."

Speaking in support of the feebly-backed campaign, one local shopkeeper said, "I sell lawnmowers, nails and that. If Tesco is allowed to open round the corner, it stands to reason that people will stop mowing their lawns or doing little DIY jobs round the house. It has to be stopped."

Another said, "I own a local coffee shop offering freshly-made cakes and a range of teas and coffees from around the world, where people like to come and meet their friends in a relaxed and pleasant atmosphere. But if Tesco is allowed to open, my customers will lose contact with their friends and won't drink coffee anymore. Or eat carrot cake. And the less said about how it will affect muffin sales, the better."

The BERATE spokesman went on, "If Tesco is given planning permission, we envisage this whole area being a desert within ten years. It's a crying shame, because these shops offer so much more than Tesco and a level of service and customer care that the big chains simply can't compete with."

With that in mind, we asked why they were so against the planning proposal, if that was the case, to which BERATE responded, "We just are. OK!?"

City Fans 'Comfortable' In Cardiff West Services Say Police

Bristol City fans were reported to be settling down for a "comfortable night" in Cardiff West services tonight aboard a number of Peter Carol coaches, on the way to their team's game at Swansea City tomorrow evening, South Wales Police have said.

The City fans, who have been forced to travel under 'bubble trip' restrictions to the Welsh club's Liberty Stadium, for no apparent reason, set off first thing this morning on the gruelling 80 mile trip, before stopping at Aust Services for four hours to eat their packed lunches.

From there, the supporters crossed the old Severn Bridge before stopping at Stow Hill Services just outside Newport for a further three hours, where they were allowed to look out of the window for a bit and relieve themselves in screw-top bottles, if they'd remembered to bring one. It's understood some of the travelling party had a stab at a jumbo puzzle book one fan had brought along, but police were forced to confiscate it in case it was used as a weapon or caused a paper cut.

The coaches finally arrived at Cardiff West Services at 6pm this evening for an overnight stay in the coach park. A spokesman for Peter Carol coaches said, "The seats recline about five degrees, so everyone should get a good night's sleep before undertaking the second part of the trip at daybreak."

Tomorrow's travel plans are believed to involve a five hour stop at Sarn Park Services, where those who still have any sandwiches left can enjoy a snack, before heading on to Port Talbot Services in the afternoon. From there, the City fans will be held under a police escort for four hours, before being taken to the Liberty Stadium, stopping briefly at Burrows Service Station just outside Swansea so the driver can get some fags.

A South Wales Police spokesman said, "We'll be leaving Burrows Service Station around 7.30pm to get the coaches to the ground at around 7.45pm. It's cutting it a bit fine, and the supporters may miss the first ten minutes of the game, but safety is paramount and we can't take any chances by having them arriving at the same time as anyone Welsh."

After the game, the fans will be held in the ground until everyone in Swansea has gone to bed, before heading back up the M4 to Bristol, where they hope to arrive back at Ashton Gate by 4am.

Coleman Angered By Football's Rules

Coventry City manager, Chris Coleman, was incensed last night, following his side's 1-1 draw with Bristol City at the Ricoh Arena, with the former Welsh international becoming increasingly upset that referees keep applying the laws of the game in his team's matches.

Speaking at the post-match press conference, the Coventry boss said, "We were disappointed to have that second goal ruled out for offside because if we had gone in at half time 2-0 up, we probably would have won. But referees and their assistants seem intent on giving correct decisions and disallowing goals that shouldn't really count, by the letter of the law."

The goal, which was scored by aggravating tit, Clinton Morrison, who was correctly adjudged to have been in an offside position, would have put Coventry 2-0 up in front of a home crowd which was already annoyed at being woken up by a few people cheering Leon Best's opener, in what police described as "a bit of a vociferous manner".

The Sky Blues' manager went on, "We felt the referee should have blown up for handball twice in the build-up to their goal too. I mean, nobody actually touched it with their hand, but we feel it would have been immensely helpful if the referee had given it anyway, just to help us out."

Coleman is no stranger to acting the idiot in games against Bristol City, having been sent to the stands by referee Phil Dowd in the corresponding fixture last season, after his side hadn't been awarded a penalty for no reason, when they clearly required a bit of help to get a goal.

Meanwhile, former Bristol City wingnut, Michael McIndoe, delighted his new manager with his ability to state the bleeding obvious during a post-match interview, stating, "Bristol City will wake up in the morning knowing they have been in a football match."

Brilliant.

Evening Post Reporter Wets Pants At Headline Possibilities

Evening Post sports journalist, Andy Stockhausen, was said to be in the care of his mother last night, after collapsing and wetting his pants, following the arrival of Evander Sno at Ashton Gate.

Tedious journo Stockhausen, 45, who is probably best known for constantly airing Bristol City's dirty laundry in public at every opportunity, whilst conveniently glossing over the fact that he's a convicted drink-driver, was said to be in a dry and comfortable condition this morning, following the incident on transfer deadline day.

A source close to Stockhausen said, "When Bristol City announced the signing of Evander Sno, Andy just went into some sort of fit. He was quite incoherent, but was mumbling things like 'No Business Like Sno Business', 'Sno Falls For Bristol City', 'Sno Drifts In' and so on, before collapsing on the floor and wetting his pants."

The source went on, "To be honest, it's manna from heaven for a tired old hack like Andy, who is always on the look out for a story that doesn't require him to travel or do any work. I think the pun possibilites Sno provides for someone as predictable as him was always likely to tip him over the edge."

Stockhausen is expected back at work next week providing there are no further accidents, but it's believed his mum will be bringing him to work because the schools have gone back, so the bus he normally takes due to his conviction for drink-driving, will be quite busy.

Johnson Nepotism Sours Deadline Day At City

Bristol City fans were left enraged last night, following the latest display of nepotism from manager Gary Johnson.

Supporters were today absorbing the news that the Bristol City manager has signed midfielder Evander Sno on loan from Ajax for the rest of the season, just before the transfer window slammed shut. This signing, added to the summer capture of Paul Hartley has pushed Gary's son, Lee, further down the pecking order at Ashton Gate, causing outrage on the terraces.

One fan said, "We're all sick of Gary Johnson and his nepotism. As if it wasn't bad enough that he was paying his lad to play for Bristol City, he's now paying him to sit on the bench and do nothing for 90 minutes every Saturday. It's a step too far."

Sno was joined at Ashton Gate by Costa Rican striker, Alvaro Saborio, and another fan commented, "We can all see what Johnson is doing. He's bringing in quality players to try and get Bristol City promoted to the Premier League, just to activate a promotion clause in his son's contract, so Lee gets paid even more money. He must think we're stupid."

The disgruntled fan continued, "It's time Gary Johnson left, to be honest. How an astute businessman like Lansdown can't see what Johnson's up to is beyond me."

Bristol Rovers Hooliganism Could Lead To Bubble Trips

The actions of Bristol Rovers hooligans could see the club forced to impose 'bubble trip' sanctions on their travelling supporters for future away trips, following the arrest of five Rovers fans in Cardiff last week.

The five fans were arrested for various offences, with charges ranging from public disorder through to the lesser offence of fighting a bit like a girl.

Rovers director and media whore, Geoff Dunford said, "Obviously, the five individuals involved will be banned from attending future away games, but we still have to cater for the other five fans who made the trip."

He continued, "With that in mind, we'll be making future away games 'bubble trips', to ensure no such repeat of the disgraceful scenes in Cardiff. The club will be laying on a taxi to take fans to our next away game against Brentford."

The taxi, an LTI TX4, can accommodate up to five people. However, Dunford went on to explain, "Obviously, the taxi can take as many as five fans to Griffin Park, but even if demand dictates we don't need that size of vehicle, we'll keep the same taxi and the fans who do go will be rewarded with extra legroom. It's the least we can do. Literally."

Asked why no such plans were in place for tonight's Johnstone's Paint Trophy game at Hereford United, Dunford concluded, "Nobody's expected to travel to that."

Plymouth World Cup Bid Revealed

Following Plymouth’s recent shock, not to say amusing, news that it intends to put in a World Cup bid to be a host city, should England be the host nation in 2018, This Be Brizzle has been given exclusive access to their official bid document, as the small Cornish village goes toe-to-toe with the wealthy city of Bristol for the rights to be the West Country’s representative at the tournament.

Below is the document in full, complete with images of the area and its facilities.

PLYMOUTH WORLD CUP BID

The Stadium

Currently, Plymouth Argyle play at Home Park, a part-built stadium situated in the centre of Plymouth. It’s our intention to part-build a slightly larger stadium somewhere else in Plymouth for the World Cup.

With a catchment area made up predominantly of sea and inhospitable moorland, Plymouth is proud to say that it occasionally almost half-fills its current stadium. Projecting that forward, if we half-fill a stadium twice the size of the current one, that will immediately double our attendances and thus promote football in the area, which would be a proud legacy for the World Cup committee, we're sure you'll agree.

Transport

Plymouth boasts excellent transport links, with roads leading both in to and back out of the city itself. Some of these have as many as two (or ‘dual’) carriageways, allowing people to overtake each other safely, without the need to wait for a good long straight before flooring it to get past a tractor (although that will still be necessary on some of the minor roads).

Plymouth is also very proud of its international airport, with flights available to such far-flung destinations as London, Glasgow, Manchester, Leeds and Cork (please note - passengers will need to change at Bristol for connecting flights to Manchester and Leeds).

However, the jewel in Plymouth’s transport crown is, without doubt, Bretonside Bus Station. From here, it’s a quick trip on any number of regular buses into the centre of town. Locals here will be only too willing to inform you of the buses you need to take, but please bring cigarettes in exchange for this information, as these are the recognised form of currency in this area.

However, for the more cosmopolitan visitor, why not use our modern subway system?

Community

Plymouth is immensely proud of its close-knit local community, with many of its families still living together under one roof in the North Prospect area of the city. North Prospect was recently given ‘Area Of Outstanding Interbreeding’ status and the smell of burning Vauxhall Corsas, combined with the constant sound of police sirens, can make for a breathtaking backdrop to any Saturday evening.

Facilities

Like all modern cities, Plymouth has a large array of leisure and shopping facilities to suit a variety of tastes. Why not have a Las Vegas style evening at our wonderful casino, situated just half a brick’s throw from the bus station. Or, if retail therapy’s more your thing, take a stroll around one of our numerous shopping precincts and browse the many newsagents and pound stores on offer.

Whilst enjoying the city centre, don’t forget to stop and admire Plymouth’s famous street art. Whilst Bristol may have ‘Banksy’, we too have our own graffiti artist - ‘Colin’. Many of Colin’s works can be seen decorating the otherwise drab walls surrounding the bus station, including his well known work ‘Bloke with a rabbit’s body’ (pictured below). Colin is probably best known for not being particularly good at doing faces and for not having an artistic bone in his body.

Plymouth In The Media

Plymouth has recently enjoyed a high profile in the media, thanks to a television advert for insurance company ‘Aviva’. The advert stars Paul Whitehouse, who is probably best known for doing three series too many of that appalling thing with Harry Enfield, and for being about as funny as piles.

In the advert, Whitehouse portrays a Plymouth Argyle fan with a sort of unconvincing, generic South West accent talking about how far away Plymouth is from every other footballing city in the country. Actually, come to think of it, that’s probably not a plus, in terms of this bid, is it? Ok, forget that.

Still, he says “Get on, ya janner” midway through the advert, which, I'm assured, is really funny and shows they at least did a vague bit of research, even if they couldn’t be arsed to get the accent right. Still, it’s better than the other one where he plays a Welsh goth, for no apparent reason. Anyway, I digress...

We look forward to welcoming you to the city of Plymouth to see its many charms for yourself, and are sure you will feel we are a more suitable venue for World Cup football than Bristol, with its noisy motorways, busy airport, numerous train stations and submitted plans for a 42,000 seater stadium.

Yours sincerely,

Plymouth City Council