Plymouth World Cup Bid Revealed

Following Plymouth’s recent shock, not to say amusing, news that it intends to put in a World Cup bid to be a host city, should England be the host nation in 2018, This Be Brizzle has been given exclusive access to their official bid document, as the small Cornish village goes toe-to-toe with the wealthy city of Bristol for the rights to be the West Country’s representative at the tournament.

Below is the document in full, complete with images of the area and its facilities.

PLYMOUTH WORLD CUP BID

The Stadium

Currently, Plymouth Argyle play at Home Park, a part-built stadium situated in the centre of Plymouth. It’s our intention to part-build a slightly larger stadium somewhere else in Plymouth for the World Cup.

With a catchment area made up predominantly of sea and inhospitable moorland, Plymouth is proud to say that it occasionally almost half-fills its current stadium. Projecting that forward, if we half-fill a stadium twice the size of the current one, that will immediately double our attendances and thus promote football in the area, which would be a proud legacy for the World Cup committee, we're sure you'll agree.

Transport

Plymouth boasts excellent transport links, with roads leading both in to and back out of the city itself. Some of these have as many as two (or ‘dual’) carriageways, allowing people to overtake each other safely, without the need to wait for a good long straight before flooring it to get past a tractor (although that will still be necessary on some of the minor roads).

Plymouth is also very proud of its international airport, with flights available to such far-flung destinations as London, Glasgow, Manchester, Leeds and Cork (please note - passengers will need to change at Bristol for connecting flights to Manchester and Leeds).

However, the jewel in Plymouth’s transport crown is, without doubt, Bretonside Bus Station. From here, it’s a quick trip on any number of regular buses into the centre of town. Locals here will be only too willing to inform you of the buses you need to take, but please bring cigarettes in exchange for this information, as these are the recognised form of currency in this area.

However, for the more cosmopolitan visitor, why not use our modern subway system?

Community

Plymouth is immensely proud of its close-knit local community, with many of its families still living together under one roof in the North Prospect area of the city. North Prospect was recently given ‘Area Of Outstanding Interbreeding’ status and the smell of burning Vauxhall Corsas, combined with the constant sound of police sirens, can make for a breathtaking backdrop to any Saturday evening.

Facilities

Like all modern cities, Plymouth has a large array of leisure and shopping facilities to suit a variety of tastes. Why not have a Las Vegas style evening at our wonderful casino, situated just half a brick’s throw from the bus station. Or, if retail therapy’s more your thing, take a stroll around one of our numerous shopping precincts and browse the many newsagents and pound stores on offer.

Whilst enjoying the city centre, don’t forget to stop and admire Plymouth’s famous street art. Whilst Bristol may have ‘Banksy’, we too have our own graffiti artist - ‘Colin’. Many of Colin’s works can be seen decorating the otherwise drab walls surrounding the bus station, including his well known work ‘Bloke with a rabbit’s body’ (pictured below). Colin is probably best known for not being particularly good at doing faces and for not having an artistic bone in his body.

Plymouth In The Media

Plymouth has recently enjoyed a high profile in the media, thanks to a television advert for insurance company ‘Aviva’. The advert stars Paul Whitehouse, who is probably best known for doing three series too many of that appalling thing with Harry Enfield, and for being about as funny as piles.

In the advert, Whitehouse portrays a Plymouth Argyle fan with a sort of unconvincing, generic South West accent talking about how far away Plymouth is from every other footballing city in the country. Actually, come to think of it, that’s probably not a plus, in terms of this bid, is it? Ok, forget that.

Still, he says “Get on, ya janner” midway through the advert, which, I'm assured, is really funny and shows they at least did a vague bit of research, even if they couldn’t be arsed to get the accent right. Still, it’s better than the other one where he plays a Welsh goth, for no apparent reason. Anyway, I digress...

We look forward to welcoming you to the city of Plymouth to see its many charms for yourself, and are sure you will feel we are a more suitable venue for World Cup football than Bristol, with its noisy motorways, busy airport, numerous train stations and submitted plans for a 42,000 seater stadium.

Yours sincerely,

Plymouth City Council

Sporting City Hand Victory To Cardiff

Bristol City today proved Neil Warnock wrong once again, by allowing Cardiff City to beat them at the Cardiff City Stadium in front of Sky's cameras, finally putting their 'cheats' tag to bed in front of a worldwide audience.

Cardiff City dominated proceedings from early on, squandering numerous gilt-edged chances. But with 36 minutes on the clock, and still without the goal their play deserved, Bristol City manager, Gary Johnson, instructed Jamie McCombe to do the honourable thing and open the scoring for the misfiring Welsh club.

Speaking after the game, McCombe said, "I was captain for the day for some reason, so when Cardiff didn't get the goal their dominance deserved, the gaffer instructed me to score for them. Obviously, I was only too delighted to apply the necessary finish to a good ball in by Matthews and give them the lead they should have had by then anyway."

City's generosity continued as the half wore on, with City players standing around having a chat and watching as Cardiff cut through to allow Chopra to score a second goal without so much as a challenge going in.

However, when asked later if that was also just sporting play on City's behalf, Gary Johnson remarked, "No, we were just shit there."

Sadly, on a sour note, there was to be no such sportsmanlike conduct from the hosts, as Marvin Elliott crashed the ball against a post when it was easier to score, yet Cardiff refused to allow City another chance to right that particular wrong. And, to rub salt into that particular wound, Cardiff then had the audacity to score a third goal in the second half, giving the scoreline a completely distorted appearance.

In addition (and it saddens me to say it), there were a fair few Cardiff fans singing some less than complimentary songs about the Bristol City team, as well as a couple of anti-English ones, which clearly put our lads off.

So, while Cardiff may have taken the three points on the day, it was very much a case of Sportsmen 1 v Cardiff City 0.

Anti-Tesco Campaigners 'Just Like Complaining About Stuff', Survey Reveals

Campaigners opposed to the construction of a Tesco superstore on the current site of Bristol City's Ashton Gate stadium 'just like complaining about stuff' a survey has today revealed.

BERATE, which is an acronym for Bedminster Residents Against Tescos Expansion Into Ashton Gate (well, it isn't, but you can only have so many meetings trying to think up a clever name before you have to give it up as a bad job and go with some hackneyed effort. And, let's be honest 'BRATEIG' isn't particularly catchy) is, essentially, a collection of people who think their window is missing something if it doesn't have some poorly written, badly photocopied piece of A4 sellotaped to the front window, protesting about something or other.

This Be Brizzle's exclusive survey has shown that a number of the people involved have nothing better to do to fill their days than get involved in a campaign about something, and enjoy nothing better than a good old moan. We spoke to one local resident, who wished to remain anonymous, and he told us, "They's alluz complainin' about summat, binnum."

Local protestors, who have recently been involved in such unsuccessful campaigns as 'Say No To Parking Anywhere Near My House Even Though I've Converted My Front Garden To Parking Without The Necessary Consent', 'Say No To New Housing That I Can See If I Crane My Neck Out Of My Velux Window' and 'Change Is Bad', are likely to witter on about a new Tesco somehow increasing traffic in the area and yet somehow, at the same time, decreasing the number of people becoming aware of the shops on North Street, without really bothering to do any specific research to back up their ramblings. It's also understood they'll bang on about the environment, again without really providing any evidence, because it's quite a fashionable thing to do these days.

Anyone interested in joining this bunch of perennial complainers and sampling their joyless existence, can attend their meetings every Thursday evening from 8pm in The Full Moon pub, North Street. Though this is likely to change in the near future, as those involved want to take advantage of the convenience of the late night shopping that a new Tesco superstore will provide.

Phillips 'Not Worth Tuppence'

Former Bristol City keeper and well known cry baby, Steve Phillips, has today been offered to other clubs for free, with Bristol Rovers' manager, Paul Trollope declaring, "We'll be lucky to get that for him, to be honest. We may end up having to chuck a bag of match balls in."

Phillips, who was famously dropped and then released by Gary Johnson, after the goalkeeper decided he didn't like the idea of conducting himself in a professional manner or competing for his place in the team at Ashton Gate, is hoping to attract interest from Weston-Super-Mare or Yate Town, but hasn't ruled out an emotional return to his hometown club, Paulton Rovers.

Speaking about the potential move, Phillips said, "Going back to Paulton would be a dream move for me. It's a great club that's really going places, so I just hope they've forgotten I'm a bit of an arse by now. Mind you, it was a while ago, so I doubt there's many of the same people there. Yeah, it'll probably be fine."

Phillips, who's attracted transfer fees of absolutely nothing over his twelve year career, was due a testimonial whilst at Bristol City, but decided that acting the tool was a better way to crown ten years at the Ashton Gate club. As a result, many testimonial events ended up being cancelled. But thankfully, nobody was going anyway because he's not a particularly likeable bloke, so no harm was done.

Despite that, the Bristolian 'keeper will probably be best remembered at Ashton Gate for saving a penalty against Bristol Rovers, which effectively relegated the North Bristol club.... I'm kidding, of course. Everyone will remember him as a dummy-throwing baby who couldn't be arsed to work for the right to wear the shirt.

Rovers 'Can't Be Arsed' Doing Match Reports

In the latest cost-cutting exercise at cash-strapped Bristol Rovers, the downtrodden club has decided to no longer provide match reports of its games on the club's official website. The controversial idea was trialled at the club's game against Hartlepool, and proved to go by largely unnoticed by anyone.

Director, Geoff Dunford, explained, "To be honest, our fanbase is so feeble these days that, if you're interested in how the team is doing you're more than likely at the game anyway, so what's the point of writing a report?"

He bumbled on, "The savings in wages will allow us to spend less money on the club, which is something we're always keen to do."

A crowd of 3,137 attended Rover's latest game against Hartlepool United, with in excess of 14 Rovers fans making the trip north, and Dunford was quick to praise the travelling Gas army.

"It's a tremendous effort in these difficult financial times, and I'd like to thank those fans personally for making the effort. In fact, I did at half-time, and still had time for a cup of tea and a sandwich."

Dunford continued, "Everyone with a vague interest in Bristol Rovers was at the game, so we can't really be arsed to employ someone to write about something everyone saw anyway."

"We actually expected a bit of a backlash when we replaced the usual match report with the words 'A match report article is coming soon....', but, to be honest, nobody's noticed."

In addition to doing away with a match reporter, the next employees to feel the pinch at the Memorial Stadium could be the turnstile operators, with the club feeling that the fans could just as easily let themselves in.

Safety Concerns Raise Doubts Over Cardiff Fixture

Doubts were today being raised over whether Bristol City's fixture against Cardiff City at the imaginatively named 'Cardiff City Stadium' will go ahead this Sunday, following concerns over the safety of the new stadium.

Speaking exclusively to This Be Brizzle, council safety officer, Dai Cast-Toy told us, "We've had building inspectors in Cardiff all week, looking at the structure of the new stadium, following a number of complaints from visiting Scunthorpe fans last week."

He went on, "I don't want to be too drawn on the specific nature of our investigaions, but there are concerns that some of the structural walls have been built with Lego, rather than the Sticklebricks we would recommend in a structure of this quality."

This Be Brizzle has spoken to its own independent structural engineer about the potential consequences of using Lego instead of Sticklebricks, and he had this to say, "If Cardiff have used Lego in structural walls, then the whole lot will have to come down. Sticklebricks should always be used, as they offere a far greater surface area to spread the load, as well as offering a greater level of cohesion between the blocks."

He continued, "To be honest, most modern stadia these days are built using more robust materials, such as blocks, concrete and steel, but I guess when you owe £16m to Sam Hammam, you look to cut any corners you can. That said, there are basic structural guidleines, even when you're building a stadium that would look more at home in a child's bedroom."

A final decision on whether the fixture with Bristol City can go ahead should be made by the end of the week. And should the fixture be postponed over safety concerns, the Football League is likely to impose a points deduction on the Cardiff club, which will be overturned by the Welsh FA five days later.

Time Running Out For Magilton

QPR's game against Bristol City on Tuesday looks to be a make or break one for manager, Jim Magilton.

Rangers' directors Lakshmi Mittal, Bernie Ecclestone and Flavio Briatore, who famously nailed air-rage nutcase, Naomi Campbell, are said to be on the hunt for a new manager, following Jim Magilton's disastrous spell in charge of the West London club.

A source close to the Loftus Road asylum said, "The directors are getting restless, for sure. Magilton has been in charge for two and a half months now, and the team is yet to win a competitive game of football. They're patient men, but obviously, if we don't win on Tuesday at Ashton Gate, then Jim will probably be sacked."

He continued, "Mittal, Ecclestone and Briatore have put a lot of money into the club. Not on players, obviously, but that badge redesign didn't come cheap, despite appearances to the contrary, so they're expecting a return on their investment as a matter of urgency."

Mittal, a cutlery maker from Calcutta, is the eighth richest man in the world, but has defended his lack of spending in the transfer market by saying, "You think I got this fucking rich by writing lots of cheques?"

Meanwhile, Ecclestone, who is best known for scuttling about on the grids of F1 races like some sort of demented goblin, was said to be in discussions with Briatore over Magilton's replacement, with someone like Bryan Robson likely to be short-listed, because they've heard of him.

Warnock Presses For Games To Be Replayed 'Until Palace Win'

In the wake of Crystal Palace's 'goal that never was' against Bristol City at Ashton Gate yesterday, Eagles manager, Neil Warnock has demanded changes be made to the Football League rules.

Speaking like an irate chimp, following Palace's 1-0 defeat, Warnock said, "It's ridiculous the number of games we've lost since I've been here. None of them have been my fault and my brave team, who never cheat, are being constantly victimised by other teams putting the ball in the net more times than we do."

The buffoon continued, "I've spoken to Richard Scudamore and demanded that any games we lose should be replayed any number of times until we win. There was an example last season where the ball went out for a throw in, which clearly should have been given to us. Needless to say it wasn't, and 38 minutes later, the opposition went down the other end and scored. How am I meant to legislate for decisions like that, which directly affect the result?"

He wittered on, "Just yesterday, Alassane N'Diaye went down like he'd been shot in the head. He clearly wasn't hurt, yet Jamie McAllister wrongly gave the ball back to us at the restart. Had he not done that, who knows? McAllister may have played it to the keeper, who may have been closed down by Freddie Sears, forcing him into an error which may have been capitalised on by a 30 yard screamer from Darren Ambrose with the keeper nowhere."

Now jibbering like a sweating idiot, Warnock went on, "Gamesmanship like that by McAllister has to be stopped, and the easiest way to ensure it doesn't happen again is to just keep replaying games until my team wins."

Palace chairman and Lucozade look-a-like, Simon Jordan backed his manager, saying, "Neil is quite right. Everyone else cheats except us and it just isn't fair. Someone said I looked a bit orange once in the car park, which directly affected the outcome of the Play Off semi-final. You can't expect our brave lads to perform when their chairman is the victim of muttered comments well out of their earshot like that."

Warnock and Jordan's comments are likely to be taken on board by the Football League, laughed at hysterically and then roundly ignored, because the pair of them are whinging tits.

Warnock Refuses To Apologise For Cheating

Controversy surrounded Bristol City's 1-0 victory over Crystal Palace today, thanks to a dubious decision by an assistant referee and a team's refusal to play with honesty or to do the right thing.

The incident occurred in the 51st minute of the game, when Bristol City midfielder, Paul Hartley, had a perfectly good goal ruled out for offside by the errant official. Despite several of Neil Warnock's team knowing Hartley was onside, they steadfastly refused to tell the referee or put the ball in their own net to cancel out the error.

Hartley, who was a good yard onside, refused to be drawn on the incident, and Palace manager and moronic loose cannon, Neil Warnock, who generally loves the sound of his own droning voice, was strangely silent on the issue.

When asked if his team should have confessed that the goal was legitimate or whether his side should have allowed City to walk the ball into the net from the wrongly-awarded freekick, Warnock replied, "I'm 60, you know."

To the relief of the officials, Nicky Maynard popped up in the final minute of the game to ensure the assistant referee's mistake had no affect on the result, as the former Crewe man's strike handed City a 1-0 victory and all three points.

Warnock Fuming On Eve Of Game

As Bristol City prepare to entertain Crystal Palace at Ashton Gate tomorrow, Eagles manager and well-known tit, Neil Warnock, is said to be absolutely furious about something or other.

A source close to the Selhurst Park club said, "Neil is incensed and will be making a formal complaint about something very shortly. He wants to speak to someone from some sort of official authority as a matter of urgency."

The insider went on, "Neil is in a real rage and is hoping someone will be sacked for causing him to be so up in arms about stuff."

Warnock, who's a complete nob at the best of times, is known for blaming everyone but himself whenever his team gets beaten, and it seems unclear as to whether his latest complaint will be upheld.

However, our source added, "Neil won't let this lie. He's really in a rage about something that definitely isn't down to his own incompetence and will be slagging someone off as soon as he can find a bored journalist willing to stick a microphone in his face."

If Warnock's complaint isn't upheld, the idiot seems intent on complaining about his complaint not being listened to by quoting some other complaint in a veiled attempt to make it look like he isn't complaining.

Banksy Back In Town

Local hide and seek champion, and part-time painter and decorator, 'Banksy', has undertaken his most ambitious project yet in his home town of Bristol.

The staunch Bristol City fan, who recently had his work inaccurately peppered with shots of blue paint, possibly by Lewis Haldane, has shocked the red half of the city, by teaming up with the North Bristol club to produce his latest work "No Ball Games", the title of which appears in trademark stencil font across the painted 'pitch'.

The work, which measures 120 metres by 85 metres, depicts how a half-decent stadium would look on the current site of Bristol Rovers' home ground, the Memorial Stadium, which the football club stole from Bristol Rugby Club in 1998, having previously lived as cuckoos in neighbouring Bath.

Bristol Rovers director, Geoff Dunford, who is also a director of N-Gaged, the company which won a draw to be the club's shirt sponsors in a completely random draw that was in no way fixed, said, "Let's be honest, the new ground is never actually going to be built, so we agreed to buy the spray paint for Banksy in the hope that some London idiot will pay us a lot of money for it, before realising it's pretty worthless, because it's sprayed on the ground."

The cost of the spray paint was £10,000, but Dunford continued, "We've held a lottery to cover the cost of the paint and the winner will own a 10% share in the artwork. I've bought six tickets and the draw will be held once those six balls have been in the freezer long enough for Eddie Large to be able to feel the temperature difference through his white gloves."

Asked if Rovers will continue to play on the giant painting, Dunford added, "Banksy assures us the paint is highly durable and has a lovely finish, which is something our fans haven't seen for many years."

There were suggestions that Banksy would be painting fans in the stands to give the look of a crowd, but Dunford rubbished these claims saying, "That's something that was circulated by the press, but it was dismissed early on, when none of us could remember what a crowd looked like."

"We did, however, initially get Banksy to draw 11 players on the pitch, but we had to get him to spray over them after they beat our first team 3-0 in a pre-season friendly."

Cardiff Furious At Lack Of Penalties

Cardiff City boss, Dave Jones, was left fuming last night, following his side's 3-1 Carling Cup victory over Dagenham & Redbridge, in which the Welsh team were only awarded one penalty.

Speaking after the game, Jones said, "It's a joke. We played 90 minutes of cup football tonight and had to play the last 64 minutes of the game without being given a single spot kick."

Jones was already incandescent with rage prior to the Carling Cup fixture, having had to wait 93 minutes of the opening game of the season before Cardiff were awarded a penalty. Jones said, "It's ridiculous. We were already three up by then, so a penalty's little or no use to us at that stage. If refs want to show they don't have an anti-Welsh bias, they really need to be handing us the advantage much earlier in games."

Asked if he would be appealing to the Welsh FA, Jones continued, "I think we'll have to. We only got 19 penalties last season in a total of 52 matches, which meant we had to try and score goals from open play in over 30 matches. It's a joke, to be honest."

It's hoped the Welsh FA will look favourably on the Welsh club's plight, just like they always fucking do whenever a Cardiff player gets sent off, and Jones had this to say about the Welsh football authority, "The Welsh FA has done us favours in the past, such as overturning red cards for Ross McCormack so he's available to us for important games, but we feel they need to do more."

"It's obvious we're getting picked on by English refs, so we're asking for Welsh referees to officiate all our games in future. We're also advocating the award of 3 goals if our penalties go over the bar and five goals if one of our players carries the ball over the goal line."

The Welsh FA wouldn't be drawn on the issue last night, but it's strongly expected that they'll continue to protect their own club by making favourable decisions about a team that doesn't even compete in their leagues, because they can.

Basso - God Made Me Do It

Adriano Basso today revealed the reason he handed in a transfer request just two weeks before the start of Bristol City's 09/10 campaign.

Speaking exclusively to anyone who could be bothered to listen to the bible-bashing shot-stopper, the Brazilian said, "God told me to do it and, once the big guy tells you to formally hand in a written transfer request to Gary Johnson, you don't hang about."

The sky-pointing Dean Gerken understudy continued, "One of the seven deadly sins is 'Greed', so I was surprised when God said I should turn down the opportunity to become Bristol City's highest paid player and instead leave for somewhere else as yet undecided, but what can you do? You don't get to be God by making bad decisions, so my hands were tied."

God, who was unavailable for comment, is also believed to have been involved in stamping on Stephen Henderson's metatarsal and tweaking Dean Gerken's thigh, as well as delaying Gary Johnson's efforts to bring in a loanee 'keeper, by inflicting injuries on the other goalies at another unnamed club, in a failed attempt to put his man in the shop-window at Preston North End.

Speaking about his hopes of attracting interest from a Premier League club, Basso said, "At Bristol City, I believe I have evolved into one of the best goalkeepers in the country and deserve a chance at a higher level. Except evolution is bollocks, so I was always a good 'keeper, because God made me one, of course."

He rambled on, "I may be 34, but as it says in John 3:16 'For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life'. I believe in Jesus, so going by that quote, I'd hope to have a good three to four seasons in me yet."

Whatever the outcome of God's advice, it seems that Basso will soon no longer be one of our men.

McIndoe Moves On Again

Michael McIndoe stunned the footballing world last night, by declaring he intended to stay at his next club for "a couple of seasons before moving on to some other Championship side".

Jug-eared wideman, McIndoe, told anyone who had the will to listen to his endless ramblings, that it was time to move on from Ashton Gate, following his mandatory two year stay at a club.

"Sometimes you need a change just to freshen things up", McIndoe mused. "I've worn hoops a couple of times and old gold, but maybe it's time to try blue. My girlfriend thinks I have the eyes for it, so we'll see."

McIndoe, who spent two days at Sheffield United before deciding he'd been with them long enough and demanding a return to Bristol City, told disinterested hacks, "I've had a tempting nibble from an unnamed club, which interests me very much. I'd sooner the club had a name, but providing they're in the Championship, I'm not really arsed."

McIndoe is probably best known for having a blonde girlfriend with enhanced breasts, who once appeared on that show where the intellectually challenged try to get round an assault course, hosted by that dwarf from Top Gear who crashed a rocket car and appears to have lost his ability to have a decent haircut ever since.

Speaking about her appearance on the show, (I can't remember her name, let's call her 'Barbie'), Barbie said "I thoroughly enjoyed my time on Total Wipeout, but I feel it's time to move on now and test myself at a higher level. Are they still looking for contestants for that thing Vernon Kay does? I might have a crack at that."

Don't forget to check back in two years to see where Michael McIndoe goes next. He'll be 32 by then, so it'll probably be a retrograde step that he'll attempt to dress up as career advancement, just for a change.

Best of luck, Plug.