Warnock Presses For Games To Be Replayed 'Until Palace Win'

In the wake of Crystal Palace's 'goal that never was' against Bristol City at Ashton Gate yesterday, Eagles manager, Neil Warnock has demanded changes be made to the Football League rules.

Speaking like an irate chimp, following Palace's 1-0 defeat, Warnock said, "It's ridiculous the number of games we've lost since I've been here. None of them have been my fault and my brave team, who never cheat, are being constantly victimised by other teams putting the ball in the net more times than we do."

The buffoon continued, "I've spoken to Richard Scudamore and demanded that any games we lose should be replayed any number of times until we win. There was an example last season where the ball went out for a throw in, which clearly should have been given to us. Needless to say it wasn't, and 38 minutes later, the opposition went down the other end and scored. How am I meant to legislate for decisions like that, which directly affect the result?"

He wittered on, "Just yesterday, Alassane N'Diaye went down like he'd been shot in the head. He clearly wasn't hurt, yet Jamie McAllister wrongly gave the ball back to us at the restart. Had he not done that, who knows? McAllister may have played it to the keeper, who may have been closed down by Freddie Sears, forcing him into an error which may have been capitalised on by a 30 yard screamer from Darren Ambrose with the keeper nowhere."

Now jibbering like a sweating idiot, Warnock went on, "Gamesmanship like that by McAllister has to be stopped, and the easiest way to ensure it doesn't happen again is to just keep replaying games until my team wins."

Palace chairman and Lucozade look-a-like, Simon Jordan backed his manager, saying, "Neil is quite right. Everyone else cheats except us and it just isn't fair. Someone said I looked a bit orange once in the car park, which directly affected the outcome of the Play Off semi-final. You can't expect our brave lads to perform when their chairman is the victim of muttered comments well out of their earshot like that."

Warnock and Jordan's comments are likely to be taken on board by the Football League, laughed at hysterically and then roundly ignored, because the pair of them are whinging tits.