Wednesday, 26 August 2009

Plymouth World Cup Bid Revealed

Following Plymouth’s recent shock, not to say amusing, news that it intends to put in a World Cup bid to be a host city, should England be the host nation in 2018, This Be Brizzle has been given exclusive access to their official bid document, as the small Cornish village goes toe-to-toe with the wealthy city of Bristol for the rights to be the West Country’s representative at the tournament.

Below is the document in full, complete with images of the area and its facilities.

PLYMOUTH WORLD CUP BID


The Stadium

Currently, Plymouth Argyle play at Home Park, a part-built stadium situated in the centre of Plymouth. It’s our intention to part-build a slightly larger stadium somewhere else in Plymouth for the World Cup.

With a catchment area made up predominantly of sea and inhospitable moorland, Plymouth is proud to say that it occasionally almost half-fills its current stadium. Projecting that forward, if we half-fill a stadium twice the size of the current one, that will immediately double our attendances and thus promote football in the area, which would be a proud legacy for the World Cup committee, we're sure you'll agree.


Transport

Plymouth boasts excellent transport links, with roads leading both in to and back out of the city itself. Some of these have as many as two (or ‘dual’) carriageways, allowing people to overtake each other safely, without the need to wait for a good long straight before flooring it to get past a tractor (although that will still be necessary on some of the minor roads).

Plymouth is also very proud of its international airport, with flights available to such far-flung destinations as London, Glasgow, Manchester, Leeds and Cork (please note - passengers will need to change at Bristol for connecting flights to Manchester and Leeds).

However, the jewel in Plymouth’s transport crown is, without doubt, Bretonside Bus Station. From here, it’s a quick trip on any number of regular buses into the centre of town. Locals here will be only too willing to inform you of the buses you need to take, but please bring cigarettes in exchange for this information, as these are the recognised form of currency in this area.

However, for the more cosmopolitan visitor, why not use our modern subway system?


Community

Plymouth is immensely proud of its close-knit local community, with many of its families still living together under one roof in the North Prospect area of the city. North Prospect was recently given ‘Area Of Outstanding Interbreeding’ status and the smell of burning Vauxhall Corsas, combined with the constant sound of police sirens, can make for a breathtaking backdrop to any Saturday evening.


Facilities

Like all modern cities, Plymouth has a large array of leisure and shopping facilities to suit a variety of tastes. Why not have a Las Vegas style evening at our wonderful casino, situated just half a brick’s throw from the bus station. Or, if retail therapy’s more your thing, take a stroll around one of our numerous shopping precincts and browse the many newsagents and pound stores on offer.

Whilst enjoying the city centre, don’t forget to stop and admire Plymouth’s famous street art. Whilst Bristol may have ‘Banksy’, we too have our own graffiti artist - ‘Colin’. Many of Colin’s works can be seen decorating the otherwise drab walls surrounding the bus station, including his well known work ‘Bloke with a rabbit’s body’ (pictured below). Colin is probably best known for not being particularly good at doing faces and for not having an artistic bone in his body.


Plymouth In The Media

Plymouth has recently enjoyed a high profile in the media, thanks to a television advert for insurance company ‘Aviva’. The advert stars Paul Whitehouse, who is probably best known for doing three series too many of that appalling thing with Harry Enfield, and for being about as funny as piles.

In the advert, Whitehouse portrays a Plymouth Argyle fan with a sort of unconvincing, generic South West accent talking about how far away Plymouth is from every other footballing city in the country. Actually, come to think of it, that’s probably not a plus, in terms of this bid, is it? Ok, forget that.

Still, he says “Get on, ya janner” midway through the advert, which, I'm assured, is really funny and shows they at least did a vague bit of research, even if they couldn’t be arsed to get the accent right. Still, it’s better than the other one where he plays a Welsh goth, for no apparent reason. Anyway, I digress...

We look forward to welcoming you to the city of Plymouth to see its many charms for yourself, and are sure you will feel we are a more suitable venue for World Cup football than Bristol, with its noisy motorways, busy airport, numerous train stations and submitted plans for a 42,000 seater stadium.

Yours sincerely,

Plymouth City Council

3 comments:

  1. Dear, dear, dear Plymouth, modesty incarnate. You've forgotten or are too coy to mention the summit of your achievements. Forget Francis Drake, tobacco, lung cancer,rusting tins and Michael Foot,I mean quisine! The pasty, the tiggy-oggy!

    The french come by the liner-load to fill their cars with pasties. But I think you've guessed it, not to eat them but to build foundations for gites! The "pasty bond" is a famous Breton wall technique.

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  2. That's brilliant. Love it. See u there!

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