Concerns Grow For Neil Warnock's Mental Health

Psychiatrists were said to be growing "increasingly concerned" with Neil Warnock's mental welfare last night, following the Crystal Palace manager's third interview this week in which he failed to mention his team's disallowed goal against Bristol City at Ashton Gate.

Warnock, 60, who is probably best known for bleating like a four year old whenever his team loses, last managed to shoehorn a reference to the incident into an interview last Saturday, following the Eagles' 4-1 victory over Blackpool. But the tiresome idiot hasn't mentioned it since, causing shrinks to question his state of mind.

A source close to Selhurst Park said, "It's concerning for all of us that Neil hasn't said a word about the disallowed goal for almost a week now. We have psychiatrists monitoring the situation, but of course it's a worry."

The insider went on, "Neil's done two interviews since the weekend, as well as his newspaper column and hasn't mentioned it once. We hope he isn't bottling his feelings up, as denial can be extremely unhealthy, particularly in a man of his age. He's 60, you know."

With Crystal Palace not playing another game until next Saturday due to the international break, doctors overseeing Warnock are hoping for a controversially disallowed goal in the game between Ukraine and England, in the hope it triggers his long term memory back into action.

Hughton Tired Of Little Clubs Not Rolling Over

Newcastle United's manager by default, Chris Hughton, was demanding changes to the Football League rules last night, following his massive club's inability to score against miniscule Bristol City.

Speaking after the game, Hughton reflected, "It's beyond a joke, really. I mean, we are an enormous club and little clubs like Bristol should show a bit more respect and let us beat them quite comfortably, to be honest."

He went on, "There were even times in the game when they actually tried to score a goal themselves, and I think it's time the Football League stepped in and made these clubs realise who we are."

However, it wasn't only Bristol City's on field exploits that incensed Hughton, as he also turned his anger towards the Bristol City supporters who had made the long trek up north.

"Newcastle's fans are the best in the world, and possibly the universe, everyone knows that." Hughton continued, "Yet, for long periods Bristol's 3,000 fans had the audacity to outsing 40,000 loyal, proud geordies. Don't get me wrong, we all love a plucky underdog, but these clubs need to realise we are massive, have brilliant fans and should be allowed to win games like this. They need to know their place and let us score, or it simply isn't fair."

Chris Hughton, who has made a career from not rocking the boat and being a yes man to a number of managers until a caretaker position crops up, left his final word for referee Graham Salisbury, who turned down strong Newcastle penalty appeals, following a challenge on Marlon Harewood by Jamie McCombe, "That was an ideal opportunity for the ref to hand all three points to a massive club, yet he decided to believe the evidence of his own eyes, rather than listen to the Newcastle fans. It was an outrage."

Newcastle United's next game is against Nottingham Forest, who have won league titles and European Cups in recent times, but who are still considered to be a tiny club compared with the tediously titled 'Toon Army', who have won nothing since 1955.

Holloway Babbles Nonsense In Attempt To Look Amusing Following Defeat

In his latest attempt to secure a spot on the after-dinner circuit, once he's managed every under-performing club in the Football League, Ian Holloway once again prattled on relentlessly with some tortured analogy in an effort to cover up his own managerial shortcomings, following Blackpool's 2-0 defeat at the hands of Bristol City.

Speaking in the Ashton Gate press room, weasel-faced tedious yokel, Holloway, 46 said, "Conceding two goals to Bristol City is a bit like being a pig farmer yanking off one of his stock. You know it's coming, but you're dreading it really."

Holloway, who sounds a bit like a dim-witted bumpkin trying to do some sort of awful half-arsed Eric Cantona impersonation, laboured on, "We came here thinking we could pull it off successfully, but we lost our grip on a powerful beast and it ended up slipping through our fingers."

Asked if he felt that his players had under-performed on the night, Holloway responded, "Hang on... Trying to think of something to do with swine flu to tie in with the pig thing...

Got it... It's a bit like when your pigs get swine flu. You know they're going to be ill but you still know the bacon will be nice at the end of it.. No, that doesn't really work... It's a bit like when a... Hello? Where's everyone gone? Come back. I am funny. I am funny, aren't I, Karl? Karl?"

Look out for more from Ian Holloway later this week, when he's expected to compare his club's home game against Plymouth on Saturday with sitting on a small horse. Or something.

McCombe 'Stable' Say Medics

Surgeons last night described Bristol City centre half, Jamie Mccombe's condition as 'stable' after the giant defender had spent the weekend under observation in the Royal Derby Hospital, following a clash with Derby County's Rob Hulse.

The incident, which saw McCombe sent crashing to the ground after a face to face confrontation with the Derby striker, took place just a few minutes into the second half of Bristol City's Championship game at Pride Park on Saturday. Despite sustaining what looked like quite nasty wind burn as he fell to the floor, McCombe bravely battled on for the visitors. But the defender was soon sent off as delayed embarrassment got the better of him and he mistimed a tackle on Hulse just minutes later, and was given his marching orders.

Speaking at the Royal Derby Hospital this morning, medics said, "Jamie Mccombe has spent a comfortable couple of nights in hospital under observation and his condition has stabilised. We expect him to be able to go home tomorrow, providing he doesn't suffer any complications, like a paper cut on a magazine or something like that."

The doctor went on, "You have to remember, Jamie is 6'7" tall and if you dropped a melon from that height onto concrete it would probably smash or at least get a big dent in it, I expect. Add that to the sudden surge of blood to his facial capillaries, which often follows an embarrassing bit of play-acting, and you can soon be looking at a serious incident."

Mccombe, who will miss Tuesday's match at Ashton Gate against Blackpool through suspension, should be available for the weekend game against Newcastle, and is also thought to be considering a role in panto this Christmas at the Bristol Hippodrome, playing a beanstalk that falls down after someone barely touches it.

Robbie Savage Likely To Act "Like A Bit Of A Beller" Source Reveals

Just days before Bristol City's trip to Derby County, a source close to the Pride Park club has revealed that tedious midfield fanny, Robbie Savage, is likely to act like "a bit of a beller" in the Championship clash this weekend.

If the rumour proves to be true, it won't be the first time that the horse-faced idiot, who lives under the misapprehension that he's handsome, has courted controversy. So This Be Brizzle has taken the opportunity to look back at the career of the poor man's Roy Keane...

Savage is an aggravating little tit who wrongly tipped himself for great things whilst playing alongside such players as Paul Scholes, David Beckham, Ryan Giggs and Gary Neville in Man United's youth side. However, Sir Alex Ferguson soon recognised that the Welshman had all the guile and talent of a shoe, so sent him to Crewe Alexandra on a free transfer.

The setback knocked Savage's confidence, and it was three years before his ego fully recovered to the stage where he once again thought he was better than he actually was and moved to Leicester City.

It was at the midlands club that Savage came to wider public attention as a limited player with stupid hair who liked giving it out but who fell to the ground like he'd been shot in the face whenever anyone stood within six feet of him.

Despite his best efforts to get six opposition players sent off every week by diving around and clutching his face, Savage couldn't save Leicester from relegation in 2002, so moved to Birmingham City in order to continue getting paid Premier League wages whilst not really being expected to do much other than act like a twat and annoy people.

However, it soon became apparent to Savage that Birmingham were sliding down the table, so he put in a written transfer request and moved to Blackburn Rovers, claiming that he wanted to be nearer to his parents in Wrexham and that it definitely wasn't because he fancied another big signing-on fee. It was six months before anyone bothered to check and realised that Birmingham is closer to Wrexham than Blackburn is.

After several seasons at Ewood Park, Savage moved on again, this time selecting Derby County from his list of bottom-feeding Premier League clubs who were only likely to last a season or two in the top flight before moving him on again for another signing-on fee. However, despite Savage's best efforts to manufacture a move to somewhere like Hull or Burnley, nobody showed much interest, so he's been forced to pretend he's happy to stay at Pride Park in the meantime and recently signed a new contract.

For reasons that nobody has ever quite worked out, Savage somehow racked up 39 caps for Wales, where he was employed as the side's irritating little ballbag who spent the entire 90 minutes whinging, winding people up and feigning injury, rather than playing football. However, Welsh manager John Toshack later handed this role to Craig Bellamy and Savage retired from international football in a huff.

Unbelievably, Savage has only been sent off once at club level, with referees citing the reason as being "because we don't trust the little ponce in the dressing room on his own".

Bristol City Won't Comment On Player Arrest Says Local Rag

Bristol City were last night unavailable for comment following the arrest of a local footballer on suspicion of bottling a man and fracturing his skull, the Bristol Evening Post has reported.

Midfielder David Pipe, who plays his football in the city of Bristol, has been questioned following the incident on Park Street, which bore a striking resemblance to the fracas outside Romeo Brown's nightclub three years ago, which saw three Bristol City players imprisoned, the paper goes on.

The tired rag claims that Pipe, formerly of Notts County, has never played alongside Bradley Orr, Steve Brooker or David Partridge - the three players who were jailed after being found guilty of affray and bodily harm, following a fight with a group of nightclub bouncers. And Bristol City were not prepared to comment on the incident last night, claiming, "Pipe doesn't play for us."

Pipe, who has a shaved head just like Steve Brooker, is accused of using a bottle to injure a man outside a bar, and the bottle is thought to be a bit like the one Steve Brooker threw down Baldwin Street whilst playing for Bristol City in 2005.

The Welshman previously played for Coventry City, who Bristol City played just a week ago, and has captained the Wales under 21 team at international level, much like Bristol City players Christian Ribeiro, Lewin Nyatanga and James Wilson. However, it is not known at this stage if they put Pipe up to it.

Carle Looks To Enhance His International Chances With Australia. Again.

Former Bristol City chubster, Nick Carle, has surprised absolutely nobody by declaring his desire to leave Crystal Palace and join former club Newcastle Jets "to enhance his international chances with Australia".

Carle, who left Sydney Olympic to join French club, Troyes, in 2002 to enhance his international chances with Australia, has had a chequered career at several clubs.

After playing just five games for Troyes, Carle requested a move back to Australia to enhance his international chances with Australia, and joined Marconi Stallions, where he stayed for two seasons, before deciding their name was a bit odd if he was to be taken seriously. Carle then joined Newcastle Jets, stating his reason for the move as being "to enhance my international chances with Australia."

At this point, Carle's plan appeared to be working, as he made 11 appearances for the Socceroos. But, dissatisfied that he wasn't made captain or given the best parking space at training, Carle requested a move away from Australia, and ended up joining Turkish side, Gençlerbirliği. A move which Carle felt would enhance his international chances with Australia.

However, Carle soon found that nobody had heard of Gençlerbirliği, much less could pronounce their name. So, after just 14 games for the Turkish outfit, Carle requested a move to England, to enhance his international chances with Australia.

Carle had some success at Ashton Gate and was involved in the Play Off Final against Hull City, but when an unbelieveably stupid offer of £1.2m came in from orange weirdo, Simon Jordan, at Crystal Palace, Carle was quick to jump at the chance to move on again. Speaking at the time, the goofy midfielder said, "London is much closer to London than Bristol, so I really feel this will enhance my international chances with Australia.

Carle's move from Crystal Palace back to Newcastle Jets looks set to go through this week, with Palace unable to spend any fee they get for him due to a transfer embargo placed on the South London club, because their chairman is a tit and doesn't pay his bills.

BERATE Sets Out Grim Vision Of The Future

Anti-Tesco campaign group and general tedious naysaying bores, BERATE, has today mapped out its grim vision of how North Street may look in the future, should Bristol City Council allow a Tesco superstore to be built on the current Ashton Gate stadium site. With the group stating, "All this could soon be desert scrubland."

Speaking on behalf of the poorly-acronymed moaners, a spokesman said, "At the moment there are loads of shops on North Street offering fantastic, personal service, a wide range of products not offered by Tesco and all at competitive prices. But, obviously, if Tesco builds a store round the corner, people will forget all that and just go there instead, because they prefer pushing a trolley round well-lit aisles and collecting Clubcard points. Everyone knows that."

Speaking in support of the feebly-backed campaign, one local shopkeeper said, "I sell lawnmowers, nails and that. If Tesco is allowed to open round the corner, it stands to reason that people will stop mowing their lawns or doing little DIY jobs round the house. It has to be stopped."

Another said, "I own a local coffee shop offering freshly-made cakes and a range of teas and coffees from around the world, where people like to come and meet their friends in a relaxed and pleasant atmosphere. But if Tesco is allowed to open, my customers will lose contact with their friends and won't drink coffee anymore. Or eat carrot cake. And the less said about how it will affect muffin sales, the better."

The BERATE spokesman went on, "If Tesco is given planning permission, we envisage this whole area being a desert within ten years. It's a crying shame, because these shops offer so much more than Tesco and a level of service and customer care that the big chains simply can't compete with."

With that in mind, we asked why they were so against the planning proposal, if that was the case, to which BERATE responded, "We just are. OK!?"

City Fans 'Comfortable' In Cardiff West Services Say Police

Bristol City fans were reported to be settling down for a "comfortable night" in Cardiff West services tonight aboard a number of Peter Carol coaches, on the way to their team's game at Swansea City tomorrow evening, South Wales Police have said.

The City fans, who have been forced to travel under 'bubble trip' restrictions to the Welsh club's Liberty Stadium, for no apparent reason, set off first thing this morning on the gruelling 80 mile trip, before stopping at Aust Services for four hours to eat their packed lunches.

From there, the supporters crossed the old Severn Bridge before stopping at Stow Hill Services just outside Newport for a further three hours, where they were allowed to look out of the window for a bit and relieve themselves in screw-top bottles, if they'd remembered to bring one. It's understood some of the travelling party had a stab at a jumbo puzzle book one fan had brought along, but police were forced to confiscate it in case it was used as a weapon or caused a paper cut.

The coaches finally arrived at Cardiff West Services at 6pm this evening for an overnight stay in the coach park. A spokesman for Peter Carol coaches said, "The seats recline about five degrees, so everyone should get a good night's sleep before undertaking the second part of the trip at daybreak."

Tomorrow's travel plans are believed to involve a five hour stop at Sarn Park Services, where those who still have any sandwiches left can enjoy a snack, before heading on to Port Talbot Services in the afternoon. From there, the City fans will be held under a police escort for four hours, before being taken to the Liberty Stadium, stopping briefly at Burrows Service Station just outside Swansea so the driver can get some fags.

A South Wales Police spokesman said, "We'll be leaving Burrows Service Station around 7.30pm to get the coaches to the ground at around 7.45pm. It's cutting it a bit fine, and the supporters may miss the first ten minutes of the game, but safety is paramount and we can't take any chances by having them arriving at the same time as anyone Welsh."

After the game, the fans will be held in the ground until everyone in Swansea has gone to bed, before heading back up the M4 to Bristol, where they hope to arrive back at Ashton Gate by 4am.

Coleman Angered By Football's Rules

Coventry City manager, Chris Coleman, was incensed last night, following his side's 1-1 draw with Bristol City at the Ricoh Arena, with the former Welsh international becoming increasingly upset that referees keep applying the laws of the game in his team's matches.

Speaking at the post-match press conference, the Coventry boss said, "We were disappointed to have that second goal ruled out for offside because if we had gone in at half time 2-0 up, we probably would have won. But referees and their assistants seem intent on giving correct decisions and disallowing goals that shouldn't really count, by the letter of the law."

The goal, which was scored by aggravating tit, Clinton Morrison, who was correctly adjudged to have been in an offside position, would have put Coventry 2-0 up in front of a home crowd which was already annoyed at being woken up by a few people cheering Leon Best's opener, in what police described as "a bit of a vociferous manner".

The Sky Blues' manager went on, "We felt the referee should have blown up for handball twice in the build-up to their goal too. I mean, nobody actually touched it with their hand, but we feel it would have been immensely helpful if the referee had given it anyway, just to help us out."

Coleman is no stranger to acting the idiot in games against Bristol City, having been sent to the stands by referee Phil Dowd in the corresponding fixture last season, after his side hadn't been awarded a penalty for no reason, when they clearly required a bit of help to get a goal.

Meanwhile, former Bristol City wingnut, Michael McIndoe, delighted his new manager with his ability to state the bleeding obvious during a post-match interview, stating, "Bristol City will wake up in the morning knowing they have been in a football match."

Brilliant.

Evening Post Reporter Wets Pants At Headline Possibilities

Evening Post sports journalist, Andy Stockhausen, was said to be in the care of his mother last night, after collapsing and wetting his pants, following the arrival of Evander Sno at Ashton Gate.

Tedious journo Stockhausen, 45, who is probably best known for constantly airing Bristol City's dirty laundry in public at every opportunity, whilst conveniently glossing over the fact that he's a convicted drink-driver, was said to be in a dry and comfortable condition this morning, following the incident on transfer deadline day.

A source close to Stockhausen said, "When Bristol City announced the signing of Evander Sno, Andy just went into some sort of fit. He was quite incoherent, but was mumbling things like 'No Business Like Sno Business', 'Sno Falls For Bristol City', 'Sno Drifts In' and so on, before collapsing on the floor and wetting his pants."

The source went on, "To be honest, it's manna from heaven for a tired old hack like Andy, who is always on the look out for a story that doesn't require him to travel or do any work. I think the pun possibilites Sno provides for someone as predictable as him was always likely to tip him over the edge."

Stockhausen is expected back at work next week providing there are no further accidents, but it's believed his mum will be bringing him to work because the schools have gone back, so the bus he normally takes due to his conviction for drink-driving, will be quite busy.

Johnson Nepotism Sours Deadline Day At City

Bristol City fans were left enraged last night, following the latest display of nepotism from manager Gary Johnson.

Supporters were today absorbing the news that the Bristol City manager has signed midfielder Evander Sno on loan from Ajax for the rest of the season, just before the transfer window slammed shut. This signing, added to the summer capture of Paul Hartley has pushed Gary's son, Lee, further down the pecking order at Ashton Gate, causing outrage on the terraces.

One fan said, "We're all sick of Gary Johnson and his nepotism. As if it wasn't bad enough that he was paying his lad to play for Bristol City, he's now paying him to sit on the bench and do nothing for 90 minutes every Saturday. It's a step too far."

Sno was joined at Ashton Gate by Costa Rican striker, Alvaro Saborio, and another fan commented, "We can all see what Johnson is doing. He's bringing in quality players to try and get Bristol City promoted to the Premier League, just to activate a promotion clause in his son's contract, so Lee gets paid even more money. He must think we're stupid."

The disgruntled fan continued, "It's time Gary Johnson left, to be honest. How an astute businessman like Lansdown can't see what Johnson's up to is beyond me."

Bristol Rovers Hooliganism Could Lead To Bubble Trips

The actions of Bristol Rovers hooligans could see the club forced to impose 'bubble trip' sanctions on their travelling supporters for future away trips, following the arrest of five Rovers fans in Cardiff last week.

The five fans were arrested for various offences, with charges ranging from public disorder through to the lesser offence of fighting a bit like a girl.

Rovers director and media whore, Geoff Dunford said, "Obviously, the five individuals involved will be banned from attending future away games, but we still have to cater for the other five fans who made the trip."

He continued, "With that in mind, we'll be making future away games 'bubble trips', to ensure no such repeat of the disgraceful scenes in Cardiff. The club will be laying on a taxi to take fans to our next away game against Brentford."

The taxi, an LTI TX4, can accommodate up to five people. However, Dunford went on to explain, "Obviously, the taxi can take as many as five fans to Griffin Park, but even if demand dictates we don't need that size of vehicle, we'll keep the same taxi and the fans who do go will be rewarded with extra legroom. It's the least we can do. Literally."

Asked why no such plans were in place for tonight's Johnstone's Paint Trophy game at Hereford United, Dunford concluded, "Nobody's expected to travel to that."

Plymouth World Cup Bid Revealed

Following Plymouth’s recent shock, not to say amusing, news that it intends to put in a World Cup bid to be a host city, should England be the host nation in 2018, This Be Brizzle has been given exclusive access to their official bid document, as the small Cornish village goes toe-to-toe with the wealthy city of Bristol for the rights to be the West Country’s representative at the tournament.

Below is the document in full, complete with images of the area and its facilities.

PLYMOUTH WORLD CUP BID

The Stadium

Currently, Plymouth Argyle play at Home Park, a part-built stadium situated in the centre of Plymouth. It’s our intention to part-build a slightly larger stadium somewhere else in Plymouth for the World Cup.

With a catchment area made up predominantly of sea and inhospitable moorland, Plymouth is proud to say that it occasionally almost half-fills its current stadium. Projecting that forward, if we half-fill a stadium twice the size of the current one, that will immediately double our attendances and thus promote football in the area, which would be a proud legacy for the World Cup committee, we're sure you'll agree.

Transport

Plymouth boasts excellent transport links, with roads leading both in to and back out of the city itself. Some of these have as many as two (or ‘dual’) carriageways, allowing people to overtake each other safely, without the need to wait for a good long straight before flooring it to get past a tractor (although that will still be necessary on some of the minor roads).

Plymouth is also very proud of its international airport, with flights available to such far-flung destinations as London, Glasgow, Manchester, Leeds and Cork (please note - passengers will need to change at Bristol for connecting flights to Manchester and Leeds).

However, the jewel in Plymouth’s transport crown is, without doubt, Bretonside Bus Station. From here, it’s a quick trip on any number of regular buses into the centre of town. Locals here will be only too willing to inform you of the buses you need to take, but please bring cigarettes in exchange for this information, as these are the recognised form of currency in this area.

However, for the more cosmopolitan visitor, why not use our modern subway system?

Community

Plymouth is immensely proud of its close-knit local community, with many of its families still living together under one roof in the North Prospect area of the city. North Prospect was recently given ‘Area Of Outstanding Interbreeding’ status and the smell of burning Vauxhall Corsas, combined with the constant sound of police sirens, can make for a breathtaking backdrop to any Saturday evening.

Facilities

Like all modern cities, Plymouth has a large array of leisure and shopping facilities to suit a variety of tastes. Why not have a Las Vegas style evening at our wonderful casino, situated just half a brick’s throw from the bus station. Or, if retail therapy’s more your thing, take a stroll around one of our numerous shopping precincts and browse the many newsagents and pound stores on offer.

Whilst enjoying the city centre, don’t forget to stop and admire Plymouth’s famous street art. Whilst Bristol may have ‘Banksy’, we too have our own graffiti artist - ‘Colin’. Many of Colin’s works can be seen decorating the otherwise drab walls surrounding the bus station, including his well known work ‘Bloke with a rabbit’s body’ (pictured below). Colin is probably best known for not being particularly good at doing faces and for not having an artistic bone in his body.

Plymouth In The Media

Plymouth has recently enjoyed a high profile in the media, thanks to a television advert for insurance company ‘Aviva’. The advert stars Paul Whitehouse, who is probably best known for doing three series too many of that appalling thing with Harry Enfield, and for being about as funny as piles.

In the advert, Whitehouse portrays a Plymouth Argyle fan with a sort of unconvincing, generic South West accent talking about how far away Plymouth is from every other footballing city in the country. Actually, come to think of it, that’s probably not a plus, in terms of this bid, is it? Ok, forget that.

Still, he says “Get on, ya janner” midway through the advert, which, I'm assured, is really funny and shows they at least did a vague bit of research, even if they couldn’t be arsed to get the accent right. Still, it’s better than the other one where he plays a Welsh goth, for no apparent reason. Anyway, I digress...

We look forward to welcoming you to the city of Plymouth to see its many charms for yourself, and are sure you will feel we are a more suitable venue for World Cup football than Bristol, with its noisy motorways, busy airport, numerous train stations and submitted plans for a 42,000 seater stadium.

Yours sincerely,

Plymouth City Council

Sporting City Hand Victory To Cardiff

Bristol City today proved Neil Warnock wrong once again, by allowing Cardiff City to beat them at the Cardiff City Stadium in front of Sky's cameras, finally putting their 'cheats' tag to bed in front of a worldwide audience.

Cardiff City dominated proceedings from early on, squandering numerous gilt-edged chances. But with 36 minutes on the clock, and still without the goal their play deserved, Bristol City manager, Gary Johnson, instructed Jamie McCombe to do the honourable thing and open the scoring for the misfiring Welsh club.

Speaking after the game, McCombe said, "I was captain for the day for some reason, so when Cardiff didn't get the goal their dominance deserved, the gaffer instructed me to score for them. Obviously, I was only too delighted to apply the necessary finish to a good ball in by Matthews and give them the lead they should have had by then anyway."

City's generosity continued as the half wore on, with City players standing around having a chat and watching as Cardiff cut through to allow Chopra to score a second goal without so much as a challenge going in.

However, when asked later if that was also just sporting play on City's behalf, Gary Johnson remarked, "No, we were just shit there."

Sadly, on a sour note, there was to be no such sportsmanlike conduct from the hosts, as Marvin Elliott crashed the ball against a post when it was easier to score, yet Cardiff refused to allow City another chance to right that particular wrong. And, to rub salt into that particular wound, Cardiff then had the audacity to score a third goal in the second half, giving the scoreline a completely distorted appearance.

In addition (and it saddens me to say it), there were a fair few Cardiff fans singing some less than complimentary songs about the Bristol City team, as well as a couple of anti-English ones, which clearly put our lads off.

So, while Cardiff may have taken the three points on the day, it was very much a case of Sportsmen 1 v Cardiff City 0.

Anti-Tesco Campaigners 'Just Like Complaining About Stuff', Survey Reveals

Campaigners opposed to the construction of a Tesco superstore on the current site of Bristol City's Ashton Gate stadium 'just like complaining about stuff' a survey has today revealed.

BERATE, which is an acronym for Bedminster Residents Against Tescos Expansion Into Ashton Gate (well, it isn't, but you can only have so many meetings trying to think up a clever name before you have to give it up as a bad job and go with some hackneyed effort. And, let's be honest 'BRATEIG' isn't particularly catchy) is, essentially, a collection of people who think their window is missing something if it doesn't have some poorly written, badly photocopied piece of A4 sellotaped to the front window, protesting about something or other.

This Be Brizzle's exclusive survey has shown that a number of the people involved have nothing better to do to fill their days than get involved in a campaign about something, and enjoy nothing better than a good old moan. We spoke to one local resident, who wished to remain anonymous, and he told us, "They's alluz complainin' about summat, binnum."

Local protestors, who have recently been involved in such unsuccessful campaigns as 'Say No To Parking Anywhere Near My House Even Though I've Converted My Front Garden To Parking Without The Necessary Consent', 'Say No To New Housing That I Can See If I Crane My Neck Out Of My Velux Window' and 'Change Is Bad', are likely to witter on about a new Tesco somehow increasing traffic in the area and yet somehow, at the same time, decreasing the number of people becoming aware of the shops on North Street, without really bothering to do any specific research to back up their ramblings. It's also understood they'll bang on about the environment, again without really providing any evidence, because it's quite a fashionable thing to do these days.

Anyone interested in joining this bunch of perennial complainers and sampling their joyless existence, can attend their meetings every Thursday evening from 8pm in The Full Moon pub, North Street. Though this is likely to change in the near future, as those involved want to take advantage of the convenience of the late night shopping that a new Tesco superstore will provide.

Phillips 'Not Worth Tuppence'

Former Bristol City keeper and well known cry baby, Steve Phillips, has today been offered to other clubs for free, with Bristol Rovers' manager, Paul Trollope declaring, "We'll be lucky to get that for him, to be honest. We may end up having to chuck a bag of match balls in."

Phillips, who was famously dropped and then released by Gary Johnson, after the goalkeeper decided he didn't like the idea of conducting himself in a professional manner or competing for his place in the team at Ashton Gate, is hoping to attract interest from Weston-Super-Mare or Yate Town, but hasn't ruled out an emotional return to his hometown club, Paulton Rovers.

Speaking about the potential move, Phillips said, "Going back to Paulton would be a dream move for me. It's a great club that's really going places, so I just hope they've forgotten I'm a bit of an arse by now. Mind you, it was a while ago, so I doubt there's many of the same people there. Yeah, it'll probably be fine."

Phillips, who's attracted transfer fees of absolutely nothing over his twelve year career, was due a testimonial whilst at Bristol City, but decided that acting the tool was a better way to crown ten years at the Ashton Gate club. As a result, many testimonial events ended up being cancelled. But thankfully, nobody was going anyway because he's not a particularly likeable bloke, so no harm was done.

Despite that, the Bristolian 'keeper will probably be best remembered at Ashton Gate for saving a penalty against Bristol Rovers, which effectively relegated the North Bristol club.... I'm kidding, of course. Everyone will remember him as a dummy-throwing baby who couldn't be arsed to work for the right to wear the shirt.

Rovers 'Can't Be Arsed' Doing Match Reports

In the latest cost-cutting exercise at cash-strapped Bristol Rovers, the downtrodden club has decided to no longer provide match reports of its games on the club's official website. The controversial idea was trialled at the club's game against Hartlepool, and proved to go by largely unnoticed by anyone.

Director, Geoff Dunford, explained, "To be honest, our fanbase is so feeble these days that, if you're interested in how the team is doing you're more than likely at the game anyway, so what's the point of writing a report?"

He bumbled on, "The savings in wages will allow us to spend less money on the club, which is something we're always keen to do."

A crowd of 3,137 attended Rover's latest game against Hartlepool United, with in excess of 14 Rovers fans making the trip north, and Dunford was quick to praise the travelling Gas army.

"It's a tremendous effort in these difficult financial times, and I'd like to thank those fans personally for making the effort. In fact, I did at half-time, and still had time for a cup of tea and a sandwich."

Dunford continued, "Everyone with a vague interest in Bristol Rovers was at the game, so we can't really be arsed to employ someone to write about something everyone saw anyway."

"We actually expected a bit of a backlash when we replaced the usual match report with the words 'A match report article is coming soon....', but, to be honest, nobody's noticed."

In addition to doing away with a match reporter, the next employees to feel the pinch at the Memorial Stadium could be the turnstile operators, with the club feeling that the fans could just as easily let themselves in.

Safety Concerns Raise Doubts Over Cardiff Fixture

Doubts were today being raised over whether Bristol City's fixture against Cardiff City at the imaginatively named 'Cardiff City Stadium' will go ahead this Sunday, following concerns over the safety of the new stadium.

Speaking exclusively to This Be Brizzle, council safety officer, Dai Cast-Toy told us, "We've had building inspectors in Cardiff all week, looking at the structure of the new stadium, following a number of complaints from visiting Scunthorpe fans last week."

He went on, "I don't want to be too drawn on the specific nature of our investigaions, but there are concerns that some of the structural walls have been built with Lego, rather than the Sticklebricks we would recommend in a structure of this quality."

This Be Brizzle has spoken to its own independent structural engineer about the potential consequences of using Lego instead of Sticklebricks, and he had this to say, "If Cardiff have used Lego in structural walls, then the whole lot will have to come down. Sticklebricks should always be used, as they offere a far greater surface area to spread the load, as well as offering a greater level of cohesion between the blocks."

He continued, "To be honest, most modern stadia these days are built using more robust materials, such as blocks, concrete and steel, but I guess when you owe £16m to Sam Hammam, you look to cut any corners you can. That said, there are basic structural guidleines, even when you're building a stadium that would look more at home in a child's bedroom."

A final decision on whether the fixture with Bristol City can go ahead should be made by the end of the week. And should the fixture be postponed over safety concerns, the Football League is likely to impose a points deduction on the Cardiff club, which will be overturned by the Welsh FA five days later.

Time Running Out For Magilton

QPR's game against Bristol City on Tuesday looks to be a make or break one for manager, Jim Magilton.

Rangers' directors Lakshmi Mittal, Bernie Ecclestone and Flavio Briatore, who famously nailed air-rage nutcase, Naomi Campbell, are said to be on the hunt for a new manager, following Jim Magilton's disastrous spell in charge of the West London club.

A source close to the Loftus Road asylum said, "The directors are getting restless, for sure. Magilton has been in charge for two and a half months now, and the team is yet to win a competitive game of football. They're patient men, but obviously, if we don't win on Tuesday at Ashton Gate, then Jim will probably be sacked."

He continued, "Mittal, Ecclestone and Briatore have put a lot of money into the club. Not on players, obviously, but that badge redesign didn't come cheap, despite appearances to the contrary, so they're expecting a return on their investment as a matter of urgency."

Mittal, a cutlery maker from Calcutta, is the eighth richest man in the world, but has defended his lack of spending in the transfer market by saying, "You think I got this fucking rich by writing lots of cheques?"

Meanwhile, Ecclestone, who is best known for scuttling about on the grids of F1 races like some sort of demented goblin, was said to be in discussions with Briatore over Magilton's replacement, with someone like Bryan Robson likely to be short-listed, because they've heard of him.

Warnock Presses For Games To Be Replayed 'Until Palace Win'

In the wake of Crystal Palace's 'goal that never was' against Bristol City at Ashton Gate yesterday, Eagles manager, Neil Warnock has demanded changes be made to the Football League rules.

Speaking like an irate chimp, following Palace's 1-0 defeat, Warnock said, "It's ridiculous the number of games we've lost since I've been here. None of them have been my fault and my brave team, who never cheat, are being constantly victimised by other teams putting the ball in the net more times than we do."

The buffoon continued, "I've spoken to Richard Scudamore and demanded that any games we lose should be replayed any number of times until we win. There was an example last season where the ball went out for a throw in, which clearly should have been given to us. Needless to say it wasn't, and 38 minutes later, the opposition went down the other end and scored. How am I meant to legislate for decisions like that, which directly affect the result?"

He wittered on, "Just yesterday, Alassane N'Diaye went down like he'd been shot in the head. He clearly wasn't hurt, yet Jamie McAllister wrongly gave the ball back to us at the restart. Had he not done that, who knows? McAllister may have played it to the keeper, who may have been closed down by Freddie Sears, forcing him into an error which may have been capitalised on by a 30 yard screamer from Darren Ambrose with the keeper nowhere."

Now jibbering like a sweating idiot, Warnock went on, "Gamesmanship like that by McAllister has to be stopped, and the easiest way to ensure it doesn't happen again is to just keep replaying games until my team wins."

Palace chairman and Lucozade look-a-like, Simon Jordan backed his manager, saying, "Neil is quite right. Everyone else cheats except us and it just isn't fair. Someone said I looked a bit orange once in the car park, which directly affected the outcome of the Play Off semi-final. You can't expect our brave lads to perform when their chairman is the victim of muttered comments well out of their earshot like that."

Warnock and Jordan's comments are likely to be taken on board by the Football League, laughed at hysterically and then roundly ignored, because the pair of them are whinging tits.

Warnock Refuses To Apologise For Cheating

Controversy surrounded Bristol City's 1-0 victory over Crystal Palace today, thanks to a dubious decision by an assistant referee and a team's refusal to play with honesty or to do the right thing.

The incident occurred in the 51st minute of the game, when Bristol City midfielder, Paul Hartley, had a perfectly good goal ruled out for offside by the errant official. Despite several of Neil Warnock's team knowing Hartley was onside, they steadfastly refused to tell the referee or put the ball in their own net to cancel out the error.

Hartley, who was a good yard onside, refused to be drawn on the incident, and Palace manager and moronic loose cannon, Neil Warnock, who generally loves the sound of his own droning voice, was strangely silent on the issue.

When asked if his team should have confessed that the goal was legitimate or whether his side should have allowed City to walk the ball into the net from the wrongly-awarded freekick, Warnock replied, "I'm 60, you know."

To the relief of the officials, Nicky Maynard popped up in the final minute of the game to ensure the assistant referee's mistake had no affect on the result, as the former Crewe man's strike handed City a 1-0 victory and all three points.

Warnock Fuming On Eve Of Game

As Bristol City prepare to entertain Crystal Palace at Ashton Gate tomorrow, Eagles manager and well-known tit, Neil Warnock, is said to be absolutely furious about something or other.

A source close to the Selhurst Park club said, "Neil is incensed and will be making a formal complaint about something very shortly. He wants to speak to someone from some sort of official authority as a matter of urgency."

The insider went on, "Neil is in a real rage and is hoping someone will be sacked for causing him to be so up in arms about stuff."

Warnock, who's a complete nob at the best of times, is known for blaming everyone but himself whenever his team gets beaten, and it seems unclear as to whether his latest complaint will be upheld.

However, our source added, "Neil won't let this lie. He's really in a rage about something that definitely isn't down to his own incompetence and will be slagging someone off as soon as he can find a bored journalist willing to stick a microphone in his face."

If Warnock's complaint isn't upheld, the idiot seems intent on complaining about his complaint not being listened to by quoting some other complaint in a veiled attempt to make it look like he isn't complaining.

Banksy Back In Town

Local hide and seek champion, and part-time painter and decorator, 'Banksy', has undertaken his most ambitious project yet in his home town of Bristol.

The staunch Bristol City fan, who recently had his work inaccurately peppered with shots of blue paint, possibly by Lewis Haldane, has shocked the red half of the city, by teaming up with the North Bristol club to produce his latest work "No Ball Games", the title of which appears in trademark stencil font across the painted 'pitch'.

The work, which measures 120 metres by 85 metres, depicts how a half-decent stadium would look on the current site of Bristol Rovers' home ground, the Memorial Stadium, which the football club stole from Bristol Rugby Club in 1998, having previously lived as cuckoos in neighbouring Bath.

Bristol Rovers director, Geoff Dunford, who is also a director of N-Gaged, the company which won a draw to be the club's shirt sponsors in a completely random draw that was in no way fixed, said, "Let's be honest, the new ground is never actually going to be built, so we agreed to buy the spray paint for Banksy in the hope that some London idiot will pay us a lot of money for it, before realising it's pretty worthless, because it's sprayed on the ground."

The cost of the spray paint was £10,000, but Dunford continued, "We've held a lottery to cover the cost of the paint and the winner will own a 10% share in the artwork. I've bought six tickets and the draw will be held once those six balls have been in the freezer long enough for Eddie Large to be able to feel the temperature difference through his white gloves."

Asked if Rovers will continue to play on the giant painting, Dunford added, "Banksy assures us the paint is highly durable and has a lovely finish, which is something our fans haven't seen for many years."

There were suggestions that Banksy would be painting fans in the stands to give the look of a crowd, but Dunford rubbished these claims saying, "That's something that was circulated by the press, but it was dismissed early on, when none of us could remember what a crowd looked like."

"We did, however, initially get Banksy to draw 11 players on the pitch, but we had to get him to spray over them after they beat our first team 3-0 in a pre-season friendly."

Cardiff Furious At Lack Of Penalties

Cardiff City boss, Dave Jones, was left fuming last night, following his side's 3-1 Carling Cup victory over Dagenham & Redbridge, in which the Welsh team were only awarded one penalty.

Speaking after the game, Jones said, "It's a joke. We played 90 minutes of cup football tonight and had to play the last 64 minutes of the game without being given a single spot kick."

Jones was already incandescent with rage prior to the Carling Cup fixture, having had to wait 93 minutes of the opening game of the season before Cardiff were awarded a penalty. Jones said, "It's ridiculous. We were already three up by then, so a penalty's little or no use to us at that stage. If refs want to show they don't have an anti-Welsh bias, they really need to be handing us the advantage much earlier in games."

Asked if he would be appealing to the Welsh FA, Jones continued, "I think we'll have to. We only got 19 penalties last season in a total of 52 matches, which meant we had to try and score goals from open play in over 30 matches. It's a joke, to be honest."

It's hoped the Welsh FA will look favourably on the Welsh club's plight, just like they always fucking do whenever a Cardiff player gets sent off, and Jones had this to say about the Welsh football authority, "The Welsh FA has done us favours in the past, such as overturning red cards for Ross McCormack so he's available to us for important games, but we feel they need to do more."

"It's obvious we're getting picked on by English refs, so we're asking for Welsh referees to officiate all our games in future. We're also advocating the award of 3 goals if our penalties go over the bar and five goals if one of our players carries the ball over the goal line."

The Welsh FA wouldn't be drawn on the issue last night, but it's strongly expected that they'll continue to protect their own club by making favourable decisions about a team that doesn't even compete in their leagues, because they can.